Isn't is so hard to grasp the reality of difficult expectations? Expectations where promises are made and standards are set so ignorantly high. Here two parties know that deep, deep down in the pit of their abysmal hearts they will never quite make it, not even getting close to what the other expected of them.
Why do we make such promises? when we have no intention of fulfilling them? it's always leading towards the idea that life is just one big joke, that humans just aren't compatible because they are ALWAYS going to let you down in one form or another, with words they say, actions they take and indefinite paths they seldom lead. Humans just can't help but destroy, we are all destroying our planet, our relationships and our dreams. One dragging day at a time, painful. I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that often, we hold back on feelings, and 'opening up' like a resistant flower in spring, not quite sure if anyone is ready to see all that we are quite yet, a flower that has felt such great downpour and wilting only to conquer through all seasons and come out as vibrant as ever - except - it can never be vibrant, it can never quite blossom completely due to fears, doubts and plain paranoia.
I recall a past lover of mine mentioning during our quickly turned toxic relationship, that 'I will never fall out of love with you, I promise.' and 'You're the one I want to settle with and marry, and honestly I have looked at rings.' I mean - why? why do people do this? it really has emotionally froze me. Why make such promises? it is truly heartbreaking when you always reach that moment in a relationship where the other person doesn't love you anymore, doesn't feel the same way, has cheated, has found someone else...the list really fucking does go on doesn't it? so why do we still feel the need to be with someone? to be happy? to settle and have a nuclear family and do the norm family things? why does that always seem to appeal somewhere deep down in our bones? like we constantly need to feel like we belong somewhere with whomever, and when life finally gives you that fucking moment of clarity that you think you have mutually agreed with someone that you're both the 'special' person or 'the one!' something has to shit on it, from great height. A massive destructive shit, and then it's over. Once more. It's over.
This cycle repeats and repeats until honestly you laugh about becoming a nun, or a monk or whatever the fuck you think will give you some escapism from your shitty little life, away from the fact that actually you'll always be alone for many reasons, which we all seem to find when life doesn't give you those bright perfect lemons. I'm too fat, I'm too paranoid, I've been betrayed before so I will never trust a man, I'm too top heavy, my bums too flat, I'm too sad to be with anyone. These things might be true for myself, as a human painted with flaws absolutely everywhere, but honestly - apparently - there's someone out there for everyone! someone who will love you for all your flaws, all your scars and all your stories. Someone who will never want to take their hand off yours, and will show you love with words and bedroom antics, someone who will make you feel as though you are frozen in your lungs because each breath hurts as they take it away.
Where the fuck is this person? I feel as though I have to constantly apologise to the whole world that I am myself, that I am this tall hefty trollop of a lady that has 'issues', that has been called every name under the sun by complete fucknuts that are hypocritical and think the words 'saggy breasts' and 'psycho girlfriend' are completely cool to chuck around. Oh, us women, all for equality but actually no we are not - we will pick each other apart until we die. The next generation will do the same, and so on.
And that is how it goes.
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