First ever post.

Do you ever feel like you're just floating in an open space? And you're just trying to stay afloat, even though your worries and fears weigh down on your ankles like chains on an innocent prisoner.  The tides keep pulling you away from what it is your heart is really after yet you can never quite get to the shore. Your feet never quite make it to the sharp pebbles, not that you even feel anything anymore. The cuts and bruises might show you've been through battles but your mind doesn't recognise it as pain anymore. It's just another scar on your already battered vessel.


I always remember when I was a child, when I fell over or tripped on my own stupid feet, there was always someone there to pick you up and kiss your knees better. Adulthood is not like this. You get your heart broken, no one can fix it. You catch a cold and you're left to make your own soup and Lemsip whilst recalling the times when someone actually gave a shit about you. Even if it was just a cold or a cut.


I don't think anyone ever really knows your true self. The self that lays in bed at 3am unable to sleep, the self that can be so anxious and worried over the tiniest of things, the self that gets hurt time and time again because you just give too much of a fucking shit about everyone and everything.


When I lay in bed at night I find it hard to switch off, I think everyone says this. My thoughts run to why do I look the way I do? why do I feel nothing anymore? why can't I just be happy and healthy and have a nice group of people around me who genuinely care?
I find myself clinging onto three pillows, as though I'm cuddling. I can never sleep without these pillows. Humans become so complacent with their situations they often forget how troubled they would be without certain items/people. My dreams worry me at times. I dream of drowning in really calm and clear waters, but I'm not drowning I've just sunk to the bottom of the sea and my body sways with the tide as I struggle to breathe. This dream occurs three times a week. I struggle to see how this doesn't mean anything. I know people think you're fucking mad if you actually believe that dreams mean something or that horoscopes mean something. I think everyone is entitled to something they believe in. Something that gives you the tiniest fucking bit of hope to get through this life.


Anyway, I ramble. Rambling on a blogpost that no one is ever going to read. But it's a way to vent that I feel is safe.


Goodbye, I guess.